KNOW Confrontation –
HOW to communicate with purpose and resolve issues…
Nearly every time I meet a new client, they tell me the same thing. They have a fear of confrontation. Actually, so do I as a matter of fact…so how can I help them?
Allow me to tell you what helps me.
‘My Four Steps to KNOW Confrontation!’
1) KNOWLEDGE …is power.
What do you BELIEVE Confrontation means? The Dictionary says… ‘A hostile or argumentative situation or meeting between opposing parties.’ We may have a fear of upsetting the apple-cart. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of rejection…etc etc….
So…this doesn’t sound all that pleasant, does it?
The first thing to remember is that this is RARELY actually what either party wants. Sometimes, what you actually imagine to be a confrontation is in fact simply a difference of opinion or a disagreement. This does not automatically mean it will result in a (look above)….. ‘hostile or argumentative situation or meeting between opposing parties’.
Often the HUGE story that you play out in your mind is nothing like what actually turns out. Think back to a time when you were afraid to speak up and when you did you thought, ‘Wow that wasn’t so bad!’ or ‘I didn’t expect that to be so easy!’, etc etc… It’s happened, right? Right!
Okay, well the next thing to remember is this. You will always feel the fear. You will never be completely fearless, its simply in your nature, your instinct. It’s in your deep rooted memory to want to be part of the ‘pack’. To not want to stand out for fear of being shunned, left outside to fend for yourself. You are also a natural story teller! You like to tell yourself these fantastic tales inside your head. So much so that sometimes you forget that they are simply just that…stories!
So… how does this help? KNOWING that it this niggle of emotion is triggered by something which you are doing inside your head, gives you power. Now its within your control. You can face it head on and say ‘Uh uh..nope…I am choosing a different outcome, a different ending to the one I just wrote in my head!’
You can do something about it. You can think of a negative or a positive outcome. The amount of work is the same but the result will be different. A better preemptive story will result in a more useful emotion which will result in a better resolution! Simple.
2) NEW HABITS –
If you sit on your couch from one end of the day to the next, wishing that your life will get better, that you will meet your perfect partner, that you will get the life you want….will it happen? No. of course not. You know this. But still…sometimes we still do it. Why?
Is it too overwhelming to make that big leap? Are you saying…’Oh but I am just not the type of person who could do…x,y, or z’ ??
Well, I am guessing from experience that is because you are thinking of going from a to z in one leap. Now, that is daunting…and guess what. You will therefore be unlikely to do it.
So what can you do to make it easier for yourself??
Think of it as strengthening a muscle. What do you do?
You stretch it first right? You warm it up. You increase it’s range of movement. You build its load bearing capacity. You increase its density. You rest it and you nurture it.
It’s the exact same process with your Confrontation ‘muscle’, you treat it the same way as you would a physical muscle.
Your ‘Warm up’ was the 1st Step – You start understanding what confrontation is. To know confrontation. Now your onto stretching it and increasing it’s range of motion. You do that in little steps, regularly, just like you would in training any muscle.
Step outside your comfort zone in little ways, daily. Stretch your zone. Speak up. Make a complaint. Explain how you feel. Express your opinion. Make decisions. Ask questions. Say no. Say yes.
Do it in little ways with ordinary things daily and soon you will have trained that muscle to know you are not afraid to speak up for bigger things!
3) OWN IT! –
Be Mindful! Accept that fear is always going to be there, at some level – but you can easily learn to look at it a new way. The physical manifestation of fear is the same as excitement. Next time you have to speak up, look at it as an exciting opportunity and PLAN for it in advance.
Take RESPONSE-ABILITY – for it! This is your ability to respond correctly. Take Ownership of what will happen!
Plan what you will say in advance. BE diplomatic. Aim it to be a Win Win. Be true. Be genuine. Stick to the facts. Allow time for it. Explain WHAT is the problem and WHY its a problem for you. Communicate clearly what you want the outcome to be. Tell them the benefits of this. Keep calm.
Rehearse the WHOLE scenario first in your head allowing yourself to feel great as you see it all played out till the end and the resolution you want. Remember – your unconscious does not know this is imagined, so it will be easier next time around!
4) WORDS & WISDOM –
The words you use will have a very powerful part in the outcome. Use them wisely.
Use the word ‘because’ to explain your WHY, as this word has huge unconscious power over us. It is ingrained in us since we were little children asking our parents ‘why’ over and over and they would end the conversation with ‘because I said so!’
Use the word ‘but’ smartly. Express one of your critical points and follow it with a positive placing a ‘but’ in the middle. Example; I feel confused sometimes when we speak but I believe we can resolve this easily. The second part cancels out the negativity of the first and helps the person be more susceptible to a discussion.
Mostly, make it about YOU.
Instead of saying..’You did…this or that..’ say ‘I feel…I noticed…I am finding it hard to..’
This is taking control and responsibility and also means they wont be on the defensive, in fact you may find yourself surprised at how much respect they have for you speaking up.
Many a time have people IMAGINED a confrontation that was all in their mind.
Often we tend to blow things way out of proportion. Acting fast is the cure.
Be kind, be true and be you and all will work out.
What matters is that you are being YOU and not holding back, refraining yourself, biting your tongue or not being truthful. For if you do that, you are only hurting yourself.
Speak your words even if your voice shakes because your heart will thank you!
Your Mind & Life Coach
Wicklow * Dublin * Ireland * Worldwide through Skype!
Ready to make a change? Contact me HERE!
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